Socks. The Touch the Feel of EVIL

Socks are pretty amazing if you think about them. They keep your feet warm, prevent raw chaffed skin from your shoes, and for the truly daring, enhance both male and female body parts.

I will acknowledge that they are great, but mine are pure evil. And I can prove it. They aren't plotting to cause the demise of Western Society as we know it. No! My friends, their plans are more nefarious, indeed! Their sole purpose, is to threaten my sanity by convincing me that they are trying to escape! And I can prove it.

I go to bed one night, with a pair of the evil-doers on my feet, because I just could not seem to get warm. Now I must point out, that I really HATE to have anything on my feet when I sleep, always have. So I go to bed and as far as I know, it was an uneventful night of slumber. When I woke up the next morning, I realized that my feet were naked!! After searching, I discovered that at some point during the night, I had removed my socks. Okay, nothing unusual there. However, I found not two socks in my bed, but THREE! Last time I checked, I only have two feet, so it would follow, that I would have only worn two socks to bed.

So, why were there three socks in my bed? Well there is a simple explanation: SOCK ORGY. Those little cotton pervs were doing goodness only knows what in my bed, with me in it! I wasn't sure if I should be appalled or turned on. I'm ashamed to admit, it was a little of both.

I thought that was the end of it. I was so wrong! About a week later, I had gone to bed, and woke up with my socks in the living room. Now I know you must be thinking I took them off there, right? I assure you I did not! I took them off in my bedroom, and deposited them on the floor, right after I smelled them. Come on! I refuse to believe that I am the ONLY one who ever smells their socks at the end of the day?!? I don't do it all the time, oh never mind! The point, is they were in my room! They were arranged in such a manner in the middle of my living room, that it suggests that they were making their way to the kitchen to get my truck keys and escape! What other explanation could there be?


Fast forward a month or so and I have "company" for the night. The next morning, my socks were in HER shoes. At this point, I can guarantee you that I did not take the time to place my socks in her shoes. And I know that she did not wear my socks and put them in her shoes. The difference in our shoe sizes is the same as the difference between my F-150 and my nephew's Matchbox cars. From this sock activity, it can only be concluded that, again, the little cotton bastards were attempting to escape.


We now time-travel to about two weeks ago. I had dressed myself, in one of my favorite outfits: a black Henley, my American Choppers shirt, carpenter pants and black Nike's. i was about half-way through my 11 hour shift in Hell, and I looked down and thought, "My stomach looks funny". upon further investigation, one of those little cotton bastards had hi-jacked my Henley and was now a stow-away! It had now accomplished what I can only guess is another phase of their nefarious plan to destroy my sanity. This was the "Get Out of the House without Sara Knowing It" phase, or GOSKI for my acronym loving friends.


I would like to say that this was the end of their plans. But I believe they quieted their activity in order to lull me into a false sense of security. I have to hand it to them, they stepped up their game. The new tactic? They have involved my girlfriends socks!! They now have recruits!! We had pulled a set of sheets out of the tote that sheets live in. When we unfolded the fitted sheet, out popped one of HER socks!! It seems that my older wiser socks are teaching her younger socks the ropes.


If you see my socks lurking in a dark shadow, or just hanging out in plain daylight, I say run! Don't walk away from them! They have effectively cost me my sanity, and yours could be next!!